It's not me, It's you !

The days are forgotten
The nights are longer
When thoughts are the enemy
and memories are no longer welcome
There is no reason for the broken heart to continue
beating like everything was just as it should be

Frozen tears, stricken heart, weary mind
Left in the lost land, like a single white rose
withering in the wild

So lost, so frigid, so missing you
Frozen tears, cast in the mould of my broken heart
Like the thousand, hundred minutes of thoughts
I used to bestow on you, stuck in a time frame, running, turning
over and over and over again

Frozen tears, like you would know
what it is that freeze a tear, and lock the pain within, forever
It is love found, and lost -
It is you...

Rip or hold ?

We are like a volume on a shelf of a library, a story into ourselves, never possibly described with just one word or even accurately thousands. 

A person is never as quiet or unrestrained as they seem or as bad or good as vulnerable or as string as sweet or as fiesty. 

We are thick layered page upon page, behind simple covers. And love - it's not the book itself but the binding   It can rip us apart or hold us together. 

Stance by a piece-of-meat

I still remember the times when I was a school girl, traveling alone in public transports, walking back home frustrated almost every single day. Reason?  Ashamed of the fact that my body has to go past those lecherous men on the bus, in some crowded streets who though it was alright to grope me, touch me and feel me before disappearing in the crowd! Sometimes you won't know what to do! Should you react? Should you slap him? What if he comes back with more men and takes revenge?

 Not just me who feels this way.  I've seen many other girls and older women being looked upon as a piece of meat. It didn't matter how old we were, how we looked, or what clothes we wore. We were just purely a piece of meat in the eyes of those men, waiting to crush our every single ounce of courage, independence and free spirit. Oh come on ! You are just a woman. No, you can work beyond 6. No you can't hang out late in the nights even with your sibling or friends. Why? It's a male dominated world. "What if someone did something? " I mean, why don't people instead bring up their sons saying how to be a gentleman, how to treat a woman and respect her instead??

 Is it wrong on our parts to ask to be treated equally ? Is it wrong to believe, even we have a career to think of which may involve late nigh work? Even in the movies, women wearing the most skimpiest of clothes are considered to be sluts or the vamp who gets all the wrong attention while the ones dressed all traditionally are the ones who never get attention from the wrong men? The way women portrayed these days are just simply misguiding! No, I don't blame all men but even men know how other men in general think. You can't deny that fact guys! A rape should be treated as equal as a cold blooded murder. There should be a capital punishment and those men should be butchered without any sympathy, like the same piece of meat that they think we look like! 

Today, after seeing all the stupid talks, debates and arguments on rape and eve teasing cases, I take an anti-rape stance that I will do everything possible, as a powerless piece of meat, talk to anyone who can help to enforce stricter and quicker laws for women to feel safe in our country.  If not for the 23 year old girl in Delhi, fighting for her life, or the thousands of other women being assaulted and abused every single day across our nation, do it for yourself. Do it for every single woman/girl you care about. We all think it wont happen to any of us, unless one fine day we find ourselves helplessly admits of that situation not knowing what to do. 

Even after all this, I still want to have a girl child, bring her up in a way to defend herself, stand for what is right and what needs to be changed! 

Growing Up !

The thing about baking is that, I learn something new every single time I bake ! Not just about baking or the stuffs I use to bake but also about myself ! I rediscover myself and know what and how much I'am capable of ! It makes me do things I would have thought was impossible or difficult for me to achieve ! 

I'm not a person who easily gives up ! I'm rather patient when it comes to baking and people outside ! I deal with a calm head ! In the kitchen I'm no friend ! But outside the kitchen I can be even ur best friend ! What happens in the kitchen ends there and what happens outside the kitchen stops there ! I owe, one special person to have made me think that way ! Because working that way is the best not just for me but for others too ! 

We were making a Genoise sponge cake ! It's a cake walk ! Simple steps but needs certain techniques ! You go wrong and you cake is a disaster ! You have to keep whisking eggs on a double boiler till it foams up and its volume doubles up! You cant stop whisking because the eggs can cook due to the heat. When everything was followed and done , the last stage was to pour some melted butter in the batter ! The minute I poured mine, the batter just lost all its volume and dropped down ! Just in front of my eyes ! In like a fraction of a second ! I was literally gaping at it in disbelief ! 

I could not understand head or tail as of why it would happen so because, I've followed every single step not just correctly but perfectly ! The chef was kind enough to let me put that bater in the oven and make a second one provided, I catch up with others and multi task! I still had more to do ! The sugar syrup, the jam, the butter cream, masking AND piping ! 

I quit thinking and started working ! I was whisking like a mad cap with both my hands ! Running around in the kitchen measuring the ingredients for my jam and sugar syrup, then whisking the eggs in one hand and mixing the jam on another hand ! I felt like a human robot Hahahaha ! 

After all this, my partner who I was working with says she's accidentally dropped water in my bowl of butter ! It then hit me why my batter was a disaster ! All she had to do was tell me immediately! I could have saved my batter. I had no time to argue ! Without another word, I just carried on and after so much of whisking, successfully put the second batter in the oven ! 

The syrup was done and the jam was bubbling away and I was weighing ingredients for butter cream. (French way not the American way)  French way is different and takes longer ! 

My partner leaves all the vessels on the sink near our station and I'm shouted at by the Chef for she though I was clogging the sink! I ran abt to clean it , unclog it , come back to see ,y partner ruined the jam and the butter cream ! We were supposed to make it in pairs and share ! I quickly adjusted the jam and buttercream ! Butter cream looked lot better but not at its best ! 

Everyone were already masking the cake while mine was just out of the oven ! I had to chill it in the blast freezer, clean my station and then start the masking ! I turned and realized my partner's cake was a complete diaster and she left me just with two spoons of jam and filled her's with most of it ! I didn't stop to argue but continued with my next steps. She was doing everything incorrectly and I actually stopped to correct and helped her. Even after all that, I actually finished my cake way ahead of not just her but, also many other chefs ! Mine looked looked good but, ofcourse I was not satisfied ! I know it was not the best ! 

I was so mad and pissed that I could have bursted out any minute but I was clam on the outside and inside ! Why? Because when others had done one cake in 2 and a half hours, I made two ! When others worked in pairs, I worked all alone! It made me feel better ! Yes I did get scored low for my cake ! I could have got away by telling the chef what happened and could have got more marks but I choose not to ! Because today I learnt I'm considerate, I learnt what Iam capable of and what not to do when ur baking and what not to do while working in pairs! The only thing I lost was marks! I gained much more :) 

More than that, my friends here knew what a rough day I had in the kitchen that,they took me out for lunch and they made me do the cake cutting ceremony ! The honour of cutting my own cake ! They were clapping in the restaurant like I achieved something big hahaha :) And we almost even finished the whole cake! :)  The cake could have tasted much better but I could also taste hard work, compassion and love in it ! It made me feel so light on the inside! 

Sometimes, you have to shut your mouth, swallow your pride and accept you are wrong even if you are not. It's not called giving up ! It's called growing up ! :) 

God of small things !

Sometimes... When you are leaving in a hurry either for work, or to meet your friend, you always jump back to your room search your cupboard and desk, the bed, closet and what not! Just to make sure you don't forget to take the things which are necessary to be taken. Today was one such day for me.. Or rather a little different. I was all decked up in chudidar as I was going to visit the temple here in London. I wrap myself in my nice long sweater and again my duppata and just as I was about to leave, I had no clue why but, I walked back inside, opened my suitcase, stared for a moment not knowing why I even came there and took my favourite Pashmina shawl which I had purchased in Kashmir last year.   

 While I was sitting in the tube and opened my bag for something, I looked up at the shawl again and was wondering "Why did I even carry this along with me?" The weather was actually quiet pleasant that I didn't need my sweater too ! I though ok, I might need it for the night maybe since it gets colder then. It was fun and tiring day and as I was getting back home, I got down in my stop and as I was walking, I saw this really old man who looked like he has not had bath or shaved in weeks. He was standing right at the entrance of the station. I walked past him, crossed the road but I could not help noticing that he was throwing up blood and was shivering. People just looked at him disgusted and walked far off. That really ticked me off even more. I crossed the road and went back to him, gave him some water and I don't know how or why, I immediately just took my shawl from the bag and wrapped him in that. He was dehydrated, and starving. He just managed to smile weakly and said "No one has ever been so kind to me in a long time. Thank you miss. God bless you !" I just smiled back and believe it or not, I had my headphones on me still with the music playing and like how in movies, you get a BGM according to your situations, I had "Vellai Pookal" song playing all of a sudden. I just gave him whatever money I had in my pocket smiled again and walked back home with the song still playing. I felt so good and light suddenly. I never felt bad that I gave off the shawl that I loved the most. I realized, being good is commendable but only when it is combined with doing good, it is useful. What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.  

For the love of baking and London !

Its been a week in London and I can't help falling in love with it over and again every single day! 
People say once you leave your hometown and go live in a new country, meet new people, do things on your own, that is when you will know how much you have taken people at home for granted... Because, here you need to do everything on your own. Every-single-thing! I remember when I was in my final year of college and went to a trip with my classmates, I was dying to come back home. I did enjoy to bits but when your away from your comfort zone, you feel restless and disturbed and lack confidence. I too did feel very nervous about traveling to London all alone. I know I am an adaptable person who can adjust to things almost easily but still, I was constantly wondering if I would be able to adapt myself to the people, place, culture and most importantly the weather in London. Not to forget the gyaans (lectures) you get from not just your parents but every single person who knew I was leaving abroad. 

The first 3 days I did have trouble with the weather but now, Im all used to it and every single day when I get all dressed up and step out of my apartment, there is this kind of warmth and happiness and a wide smile across my face that people could not help noticing. It makes me feel so high and confident.  

I had the whole week to myself, traveling around, staying with my friend, shopping, movies, eat outs, you name it! I even got lost, took the wrong train and travelled back and forth in the same place not knowing the route. But, it was all an experience and I actually learnt most of the routes that way.

The things I realized in the time I spent all alone traveling and sitting in my room, I have always been surrounded with so many people around me be it family or friends but I've always been this independent person almost a loner at times. Well, many people may not agree with the loner part but at every point of time in my life, there has been a stage when I have been a loner. Just me, my baking, my books, music, my car, walkings late in the nights or just simply sitting around my dogs and petting them... All these made me feel so nice about myself and I felt good about being independent. 

Wow , the new place and atmosphere is definitely making me write so much. So coming back to the topic, thanx to my dad who gave me the confidence to travel around in the public transport and learn the routes. You leave me anywhere and I can travel back home through any transport without an hassle or complains ! All this has given me the confidence today to stay all alone and independent here. I don't feel lonely or miss home. I feel happy that I have come so far to go about and learn and live with what I'am passionate about. 

London has almost become my second home. The people, atmosphere, food, every single thing have never failed to amaze me. There was not a single moment when I felt sad or scared or the feeling of missing home. I would definitely come here to stay with my better half someday, sooner or later.

The moment I entered my college, got my student ID card, uniform and my chef tools, I could have fainted there. When I wore that uniform, I never wanted to remove it ever. I felt so damn proud and happy and it felt so surreal. When my college head chef was taking me around the college and as I was walking through the kitchens I would be working and studying for the next 3 months, I just didnt have the heart to step out! I could even live and sleep off in the kitchen.When I opened the chef tool bag, I when mad and crazy and so excited than a 10 year old kid who sees disney land for the first time. 

" Follow your dreams, they know the way." - Who ever wrote it, has definitely gone about with his/her  dreams, fulfilled it, felt the immense happiness and has written it. 

People sometimes think I'm mad when I wake up in the middle of the night and start baking. But what they fail to realize is that, loving something too much at times, is a wonderful thing. It makes you do things and go to places you would have never even imagined of. It makes you come out of your comfort zone and makes you realize the meaning of you life. 

Love is like a second life. It grows into the soul, warms every single vein and beats in every pulse of your body =) 

Everytime..

Everytime I look at you

My heart starts pounding faster

And my eyes become glazed over

Spellbound with your smile.

Everytime I hear your voice

It sends shivers down my spine

It's like guidance to my lost soul

An unchained tune to my broken heart.

Everytime I hold you close

All my uncertainty fades away

Pieces of my heart are mended back together

And I become whole again.

Everytime I say I love you

I mean it with every ounce of my being

And will keep loving you, forever more

With you baby I know I’m home.

I know we belong together,
Forever and ever!